The Masks We Wear
As we develop through childhood and adolescence, many of us learn, often unconsciously, that there is a sense of safety in performing around other people. We begin to notice which of our actions earn approval, what keeps the peace, and what makes the people around us feel comfortable. Over time, we may even internalize the belief that our families and friends come to expect certain versions of us, and so we adapt ourselves accordingly.
We may come to realize our parents' expectations of us. For instance, they may expect the straight-A student, the responsible sibling, or the child who never needs help. Maybe we also believe our friends expect us to be “the funny one,” and so we use humour and memes to avoid discussing the more complex and vulnerable parts of our emotional experience. Over time, we learn to shape ourselves in order to belong, feel safe, and avoid rejection.
For many of us in the Queer community, however, performing is often not just about approval but rather survival as well. Societal expectations can make it feel difficult or even impossible to truly show up as ourselves. Within these experiences, we may choose to wear a mask before stepping outside, in order to keep ourselves safe.
If any of this resonates with you, please know you are not alone. Many of us have worn masks in different spaces, be they at work, with friends, or around family. Sometimes we perform because we feel unsafe, and other times we do it because we are exhausted and it feels easier than challenging expectations or thinking and behaving differently.
Over time, the roles we play can often become normal or habitual to us. There can be comfort in wearing a mask, as it can offer predictability and protection. It can also create a feeling of dissonance between the roles we play and our true sense of self. On one hand, we feel safe, but on the other hand, we can become disconnected.
So where do we go from here?
For many of us, expressing ourselves fully in each and every environment may not be realistic and that is okay. Our safety must come first. We may only be able to take off our mask with our safe and close family members, friends, and loved ones and that is valid. There is strength in navigating the world with a mask when it feels necessary. There is also strength in showing up as our true self to the people who feel safe in our lives.
We do have a choice however. Not just in how we show up in the world but also in our willingness to demonstrate curiosity towards our inward experiences. When we begin to explore our inner world and practice compassion toward the parts of ourselves that have learned to perform in order to survive, we show ourselves not just kindness but understanding. In offering ourselves that understanding, we can begin to bridge the gap between who we had to be in order to survive, and who we are now free to become. Wherever you are along your journey, you are deserving of your own curiosity and kindness.
Written By: Rachael Burnett
